13-19-25

I've been reading through some of my earlier posts and I must admit that they seemed to be a tad emotional to say the least.

I was about 19 years old when I wrote my first entry but even before I had always been an introspective kid, somehow aware that theres always something behind what is seen. That theres a world in each of us, unspoken and unseen, that nobody can enter but us and hopefuly also by God. Where our thoughts, emotions and dreams are only known to Us.

What if we can open this world, expand it to intersect with the worlds of those around us? Where thoughts are known, emotions are shared and dreams are seen. Where it is not as another's separate posession, where it is suseptible to judgement, but a part of your shared world?

I remember one of the concepts in Paulo Coelho's book the Valkyries where the main character was being thought by a much younger man how to expand his world by looking into the horizon. The young mentor explained that each of us live in a world with a range of about 15 meeters, where everything in this radius can affect us directly by interaction and in effect impact and change our world. By this virtue, they are included in our world. Everything outside this perimeter of interaction is just set as our background.

I know I may not be making any sense and maybe over thinking simple things, but I guess thats really up to us. Making sense of things I mean.

As I look now on my thoughts and general outlook in life, I can't say that I've changed and am a different person now. I think I'm still that same little kid who grew up to be the 19 year old who wrote those first blogs who is now the 25 year old showing distinction around the edges here and there (and by distinction I mean wrinkles and the like).

I'm not making any sense huh? hahahaha ^_^

Keeping Awake

I have a tendency to daze off and go back to how I was before. Like being mesmerized at a rock then forgetting what you were doing. Or like falling asleep while reading a book or blogging. I don't want to fall back... I want to keep the course and stay awake. 

I want to be present at this moment. Knowing exactly where I am. Feeling everything that’s happening. Understanding the importance of it all... as it is... now.

Continuing On a New Path

It has been a while since I posted... and there have been a lot of changes... in my life and in me. I will continue, with resolve, pushing through this path... looking up for strenght and guidance... and enjoying every step of the way.

... and theres a lotta steps to catch up :)

My Star

Here I sit nightly o top of a hill;
Waiting patiently for days to adjourn
And see your shine as you will
And as silence breaks out of darkness
All I can hear is my heartbeat
Pounding in my chest leaving me breathless
And though stars filed the heavens
Even other glows out in their brightest
And paint the skies with colours
No other star but you my star
Could fill up my night with brilliance
Who could lift my hanging spirit
Who conquers my sight with splendid magnificence
Could guide me through my dreaming
Until the day breaks out, you make me remember, there is
Still a starry night ahead
Because no other star but
You could shine even as the morning blooms.

16-9-1

What I Need To Do

I think i finaly fell in love... the feeling that i was searching for. Its not about meeting a new person its was about discovering what love truly is. And now I am going to fight for it.

Because I need to.

Sumthing I wrote before

I am a dreamer, bounded by the constraints of this personality I harbor.

The mind does one thing while the heart cries to do the other. As a child I became aware that the mind and the heart had two seperate wills. For the Mind follows what it is told, while the heart only whispers its desires. If the screams of the world is louder than the whispers of your heart... the mind is drowned by the noise, never to hear the guiding voice of the heart. As the mind drowns, it struggles to keep alive... often seeing things in such turbulance and distress... and as a consequence learns to only react to events as it perceives it and not how it realy is. Its actions tend to be reactions to its perceived circumstances, this consequently leads to the lose of its ability to act freely. It now can only 'react' and not be able to 'act' on its own.

This leads to the illusion that it has no control over its existence. With this, it looses its ability to see the world through its own eyes, but to see the world as others see it. And this is when the beauty of the world is lost, when the truth is no longer seen. For the truth can only be seen through your own eyes.

Now, I finaly can allow myself to open my eyes (figuratively, long story hehe), and maybe thats the start.

An Ode to Death

Angel of darkness, oh I admire you so
For the strength and integrity that you fatefully show
When thy true nature, by men, misunderstood.
For in their hearts, only the shadow of your presence stood.

I feel pain that aches boundlessly inside
When the ultimate knowledge you teach are angrily ignored,
When the infinite understanding you bring is hastily rejected,
When the loving truth you share is blindly denied,
And when even the purest of acts:
Your voice…
Your touch…
Your hug, your smile
Are instinctively feared.

This pain I feel, because I know
That in your deepest essence, limitless beauty is found.
Oh angel of darkness, angel of death, I revere thee,
For without you the oneness of existence cannot be